Wanted: a one bedroom apartment in hell

According to my news sources, the Christian right has condemned Johnny to burn in hell.    Apparently, they’re up in arms because he played guitar (and sang, according to some) on a new release  from the British band Babybird.  The song is called “Jesus Stag Nightclub.”  It’s about a drunk guy in a bar who turns out to be Jesus (if I were Jesus, I’d be getting drunk too.   I bet he gets really depressed around the holidays).  You can hear the offending song below.

First of all, I like the song, and I’d like to thank the Christian right for calling my attention to it.  I’ve already downloaded it.

More importantly, if the Christian right is correct about the Johnny burning in hell thing, I’ll have to find a place to rent down there so I won’t have to commute too far to stalk him.  Just a small pied de terre, nothing fancy.  I’d still like to reside in France part time in case he comes back for a visit, so I really can’t afford more than 2000 yuan a month (I’m assuming they’re on Chinese currency in hell).   If you hear of anything, please let me know.

Some people may think I’m nuts to follow him, first to the South of France and now to hell, but I beg to differ.   Now, if I were following him to LA, that would be a different story.

A hurried review of Johnny’s interview with Larry King from his most discerning stalker

I’ve been disgustingly busy with work.   On top of that, my parents are visiting and right now I’m with them in Spain, diligently stalking Johnny despite the fact that I know for a fact he’s not even on this continent (how’s that for dedication?).  I’m exhausted, but feel I must comment on the Larry King interview with Johnny on CNN.

Damn!   Any doubts I may have had about my choice of stalkee have been dispelled.   And that’s even after learning the disappointing news that he spends half his time in the South of France and the other half in LA…more in LA now because of his kids’ school schedules.

I suppose I could stalk someone else while Johnny’s in California, but after seeing that interview, anyone else would just be chopped liver.  I’m pretty sure we’re soul mates –  I used to race home from school to watch Dark Shadows too!

And how cool would it be to have Johnny do for me what he did for Hunter S. Thompson and shoot my ashes out of a cannon when I’m dead?   Now that I think about it, I should really come up with something different than Hunter’s send off.    I’ve heard of a company that cremates you and turns your ashes into a diamond.   I could have him do that and he could wear me around his neck.  That might be pretty cool.    I’m really going to have to give this a lot more thought.

I’m pretty sure Johnny is mocking me with his eyes here

My brother just sent me the following Facebook status update:

<Ben Fong-Torres

Johnny Depp, rock star. 700 Cal students, many of them screaming, at Wheeler Hall last nite for The Rum Diary screening & a Q&A with Johnny and director-writer Bruce Robinson. I moderated it; had great chats with Johnny before & after. He hosted a party (free rum!) at Shattuck Down Low. Our connections: Hunter Thompson, author of Rum Diary; Gram Parsons (Johnny liked my book Hickory Wind); the Doors (he narrated the People Are Strange documentary; I wrote the partner book). A charmer, on and off stage. Also in the after-party house: Tom Waits and Chuck E. Weiss, fronting a rockin’ band. It’s all over Youtube & the internet. Rock star!>

This is torture.   Not only does he look great, he’s looking great in my home town and here I am only minutes from his home (well, one of them).  Clearly my brother is getting back at me for feeding him poison mushrooms when he was four.    The question is, why is Johnny torturing me so?

A gentle but firm warning to Johnny

My brother just sent me the following Facebook status update:

<Status Update

By Ben Fong-Torres

Just got an interesting assignment: Moderate a Q&A session with Johnny Depp, at a screening of his film, Rum Diary, at UC Berkeley on Monday. And why not? We have something in common: Hunter S. Thompson, author of ‘Rum.’ Gonna be fun. Especially if I bring some rum…>>

Okay, now I’m getting pissed.   Considering the fact that I moved to the South of France FROM the Bay Area, and since I’ve been here, the only time Johnny’s been in France was for Cannes, back in May, I’m beginning to take this personally.  For me, Johnny going to Berkeley which is my home town, now when I’m 6000 miles away devotedly stalking him is like a a slap in the face.

So Johnny, please don’t take this as a threat, but if you don’t get your butt back to the South of France soon, I’m going to have to reassess my stalking options.   I might be better off stalking Bono, even though there’s something about him that sickens me.

This photo really disturbs me

                       

I got this from my handy dandy daily Google Alerts on Johnny.   The story is actually about Ricky Gervais and his newfound love for twitter.   He tweeted this picture of him and Johnny stuffing a dwarf (Warwick Davis) down the toilet to protect him (Warwick) from scary mice.

I’ve got to say that I find this photograph really offensive.   I can’t see Johnny’s face, dammit!

Will the real Johnny Depp please stand up? Come to think of it, please lie down.

Johnny?

Or is this Johnny?

Maybe this guy?

For months now, I’ve been getting Google alerts informing me that Johnny Depp has been spotted on the Isle of Wight.  It concerned me, because obviously if he’s spending all his time on the Isle of Wight, it makes me feel a little silly stalking him in the South of France.

Yesterday I got an alert that  informed me that the Johnny Depp they’ve been talking about all this time, may, just may be a faux Johnny Depp.   For the first time, they posted a picture of him and all I can say is are you kidding me, Isle of Wight?   Jeez, it seems all a guy has to do to pass as Johnny Depp these days is to put on a hat and cool glasses.

Look at these so called Depp look alikes I found online (two of the pictures are faux, one is real … or is it?).   Anyone who can’t tell the real deal isn’t worthy to stalk him, in my opinion.   They ought to be ashamed.

How to recognize Johnny Depp in a crowd of partially clad men.

After mistaking a sleeping shirtless homeless man for Johnny in Eze, I’ve taken it upon myself to read up on Johnny’s tattoos and their placement for easier identification.

Considering how many men walk around topless in the South of France (you thought it was just the women?), it’s unforgivable that I haven’t done it sooner.  I’ve wasted hours of valuable stalking time due to my sloppy background work.

I’ll never make that mistake again.

How to recognize Johnny if he’s wearing no shirt

If you see tattoos of “Wino Forever”, an Indian Chief in full headdress, the name Lily-Rose Melody (his daughter), “Silence Exile Cunning”, a heart with the name Betty Sue (his mother) across it, an odd looking character that figured in a movie he made years ago, an inverted black triangle and/or a flying swallow with the name Jack (his son) under it, you can be fairly certain it’s Johnny.   There may also be three hearts, a portrait of his grandfather, another skull and crossbones and a gonzo fist.

How to recognize Johnny if he’s wearing no pants

If the man doesn’t have a question mark (with an X instead of a dot) and a skull and crossbones with the phrase “death is certain” on his legs, it’s not Johnny.  Run!

Even fully dressed, there are signs

Look between the thumb and the index finger on the left hand for a number three (3), on the right index finger there should be three small triangles.

If the man is fully dressed and wearing gloves, you’re just going to have to go on gut instinct.

Here are some of his tattoos for reference.  Click here for a thorough guide to his tattoos, their meaning and exact placement.

 

No bum left unturned

I’m in Eze.   I’ve already done my due diligence and checked every inch of the town.   I’ve also scoured the entire Cote d’Azur for Johnny from the heights of the old village.   I’m now back at sea-level, checking the beach.

I’m immediately presented with a problem.   There’s a guy passed out here who could well be Johnny, but it’s hard to tell because he’s facing the wall and his head is covered with a hat (which could be a telltale sign that it is Johnny).   I try to figure it out without disturbing him.   I check for fancy designer labels that might be exposed on his clothes or umbrella.   Nothing.

I wrack my brain trying to remember what and where Johnny’s tattoos are  (note to self: Google Johnny’s tattoos and catalog them for future reference).   I even take out my little Filofax ruler and try to gauge the unconscious man’s height.   I really can’t be certain.

Perhaps I should rouse him to make sure he’s okay.   If he’s Johnny, he’ll be grateful and forever in my debt.   But if he’s an ailing homeless guy, I may actually have to help him.  Hell, I can barely help myself.    And if he’s a French ailing homeless guy, I’ll have to help him in French.   Oh, lord what a dilemma.

After staring at him for about 15 minutes, hoping the power of my gaze will awaken him, I finally come up with a plan. Normally, I’d just stand close to him and yell “FEU”, but I don’t want to alarm the other people on the beach or call attention to myself.

I nonchalantly pick up some stones from the beach and surreptitiously toss them gently at the sleeping man.   After three throws, he shudders awake and turns towards me, trying to focus.    It’s clearly not Johnny and he looks a little pissed.   I do the only logical thing and run like crazy.

The beauty of ancient hilltop villages

I just love these medieval villages perched way up above the Cote d’Azur.   The stalking coverage they provide is phenomenal.   Especially on a clear day.

I can climb to the very top of these hills where crumbling ancient fortresses once served as look-outs for invaders.   Here I can stalk Johnny for miles on end.

In my opionion, the best hilltop villages for stalking Johnny Depp so far are:

EzeIt’s a bit of a hike, and can get crowded with other stalkers, but there are nice chairs for comfortable stalking a vantage point that can’t be beat and even some telescopes.  What more can you ask?

St. Paul de VenceYou can enjoy a lovely lunch at Le Tilleul with expansive views that allow you to stalk Johnny while dining (talk about multi-tasking).   After lunch you might want to stalk him in the artsy shops.

Biot
Biot is a charming place to stalk Johnny.    You might want to try looking for him in the artisan glass shops in the village as well.

Haut de CagnesYou can see from the Maures Mountains (where Plan de la Tour and Johnny’s home is) to the Alps and up the coast from the top of Grimaldi Castle.   That covers a lot of ground.  Telescopes are provided.

Grasse

Grasse isn’t exactly a hilltop village, it’s more like a small town perched high on a mountain, but you’ve got to love a place that not only provides telescopes it also has beautiful map so you can chart the coordinates should you find Johnny while scanning the countryside.

Watching a master stalker in action

I’m sitting at Les Deux Magots on Blvd St. Germain, enjoying a $30.00 glass of orange juice, coffee and croissant.   This seems like the ideal location to stalk Johnny since it’s reknowned for being a hang out for artists and great thinkers … 100 years ago. Today, it has a decent bathroom.

Once I determine that Johnny isn’t present, I focus my attention to the man at the next table.  Perhaps I should stalk him.  Hell, if he can afford eat here, he may be a worthy target…at least until Johnny shows up.  But I quickly realize there’s already a stalking going on.

If you look closely at the top of the chair behind the orange juice you’ll see the finest stalker I’ve ever had the privilege to observe in action.  He/she sits calmly on the chair like an invited guest waiting for his/her moment.   In the flicker of an eye, he/she swoops in and takes the petite pain au chocolate he/she has been eying (estimated cost, $7.00).

It’s hers now.   All hers!   And no one can take it away!  She and the pain au chocolat will fall madly passionately in love and she’ll never have to worry about stealing another pastry again.   As you can well imagine, it’s the most delicious, fulfilling, talented, handsome, sexy, pain au chocolate on the face of this earth.

That bird is sooooo lucky!