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Good news for Ewan McGregor, Hugh Laurie and Colin Firth!

Posted in Cote d'azur, Johnny Depp, South of France, stalking johnny depp, Uncategorized with tags , , , on July 1, 2013 by Lesley Stern

Ewan-McGregorColin-firthspotlight-v4-hugh-laurie

Nobody can say I’m a quitter.  For over two years I’ve faithfully stalked Johnny.   Yet he’s evaded me.  He’s ignored me.  He’s mocked me with his eyes.  He cheated on me  Vanessa with some bimbo (ie: someone who isn’t me).  And if my heart wasn’t shattered enough, there was the spray tan incident.

But nobody can say I’m a doormat either.   Which is why I’ve made a major decision.  From now on,  I will be stalking other people. I prefer to think of it as not so much giving up on Johnny as broadening my horizons.

I’m currently taking applications for new stalkees.   There are only a few requirements.   You should be age appropriate.  I prefer you to be over 40, but am willing to make an exception should the right 18 year old come along.   Since I plan to stay in the South of France, you should plan to spend some time in the region (and please let me know when you’ll be here, where you’ll be staying and your contact information–it makes stalking so much easier).

A note to Ewan, Hugh and Colin:   since you’ve already made my short list, you need not apply.   However, please send me your contact information.  I’d like to start work immediately.

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Happy birthday Johnny. You’re finally older than me!

Posted in Johnny Depp, stalking johnny depp, Uncategorized with tags , on June 17, 2013 by Lesley Stern

AARP Johnny DeppI can’t tell you how many times I’ve celebrated my 49th birthday waiting for this day to come!   And I hear Johnny likes younger women.

Johnny darling, these really could be our golden years.    Please stop by and unwrap me!

Is this a sign it’s over between us?

Posted in humor, Johnny Depp, stalking johnny depp, Uncategorized, Vanessa Paradis on November 28, 2012 by Lesley Stern

According to Google alerts, Johnny Depp and Amber Heard are “in love.”   It was one thing when he was cheating on Vanessa, but now he’s cheating on me!   There’s nothing more upsetting than the man you love  being unfaithful before he’s even met you.

Vanessa’s mansion

A really nice yurt

Understandably, I’m pissed.  I’m considering talking to a lawyer.   I figure after a year and a half of faithful stalking, I should be entitled to something.

I realize it would be irrational to expect  a 4.4 million dollar Beverly Hills mansion like the one Vanessa Paradis got.  Her 14 years with Johnny dwarfs my meager year and a half (on the other hand, she got to have sex with him so maybe I’m the one who deserves the mansion).

I want to be fair about this.   Here’s what I’m thinking:   maybe a really nice yurt?

Crucial advice for anyone planning a trip to the South of France to find Johnny now that he’s single.

Posted in Cote d'azur, humor, Johnny Depp, Plan de la Tour, South of France, stalking johnny depp, travel, Uncategorized with tags , , , on June 26, 2012 by Lesley Stern

Now that the official announcement that Johnny and Vanessa have split has come out, I’ve noticed that suddenly lots of people are finding this blog by googling “Johnny Depp and Plan de la Tour.”

This leads me to believe  that a growing number of delusional women (and men, I’m sure) are interested in visiting the South of France in search of Johnny now that he’s supposedly available.

Since I’ve been here for over a year (and I’ve been delusional for even longer), I think I’m uniquely qualified to provide some vital guidance on the subject:

BACK OFF!   I was here first.

It takes a village

Posted in Cote d'azur, humor, Johnny Depp, Provence, South of France, stalking johnny depp, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on June 7, 2012 by Lesley Stern

As I was stalking Johnny at the daily market this morning, it occurred to me that perhaps I would increase my chances of finding Johnny if I were to enlist the help of others. Recruiting citizen stalkers to keep an eye out for me, so to speak.  So I put my marketing expertise to work and created the flyer you see above.

In English, it reads:  “Lost!!!  If you see him, he belongs to me.   Please call 0616881424 immediately.”

Then I distributed it around town

I think I’ve got Antibes pretty well covered.    Tomorrow, I’ll start in other villages.

Johnny, I’m rolling out the red carpet for you

Posted in Cote d'azur, humor, Johnny Depp, Plan de la Tour, South of France, stalking johnny depp, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on May 23, 2012 by Lesley Stern

In case I haven’t mentioned it before, I now live in Antibes which is a mere 15 minutes from Cannes (as opposed to almost an hour from Cannes to Plan de la Tour, where Johnny lives).

So with the film festival going on right now, I got to thinking, what if Johnny is in Cannes one night and has a little too much to drink?   And what if he can’t find a driver, and there are no rooms at the Carleton or Hotel du Cap available?   The last thing I want to see is Johnny driving drunk or sleeping on the Croisette.

Your room (I’ll make up the bed for you)

So Johnny,  you’re always welcome to stay here with me.   I’m sure it’s not as nice as Mary Kate (or Ashley)’s apartment, but it’s not bad and I’ve yet to see any paparazzi lurking outside my door.   There’s even a spare bedroom for you,  should you choose to use it.

I’m very conveniently located — you can just hop a train to get here.  No dangerous driving or hitching a ride with strangers who may not be madly in love with you.

I’m on the 3eme etage at 8 Rue Vauban.   You can just show up or give me a call and let me know you’re coming (0616881424).

There is just one caveat:   if you’re allergic to cats, you’ll have to give me a little notice so I can find new homes for them.

 

I’m pretty sure Johnny is mocking me with his eyes here

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on October 18, 2011 by Lesley Stern
My brother just sent me the following Facebook status update:
<Ben Fong-Torres
Johnny Depp, rock star. 700 Cal students, many of them screaming, at Wheeler Hall last nite for The Rum Diary screening & a Q&A with Johnny and director-writer Bruce Robinson. I moderated it; had great chats with Johnny before & after. He hosted a party (free rum!) at Shattuck Down Low. Our connections: Hunter Thompson, author of Rum Diary; Gram Parsons (Johnny liked my book Hickory Wind); the Doors (he narrated the People Are Strange documentary; I wrote the partner book). A charmer, on and off stage. Also in the after-party house: Tom Waits and Chuck E. Weiss, fronting a rockin’ band. It’s all over Youtube & the internet. Rock star!>

This is torture.   Not only does he look great, he’s looking great in my home town and here I am only minutes from his home (well, one of them).  Clearly my brother is getting back at me for feeding him poison mushrooms when he was four.    The question is, why is Johnny torturing me so?

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