Archive for the travel Category

Johnny, I’d like to show you my lingerie

Posted in humor, Johnny Depp, stalking johnny depp, travel with tags , , on October 21, 2012 by Lesley Stern

For a change of pace, I decided to stalk Johnny in Venice for a couple of days.

Venice is not a great place for stalking.   It’s like a medieval maze and one wrong turn and you’re on some dead end and every potential escape route you find, inevitably leads to another dead end.   Now that I think about it, it sounds like a metaphor for my entire stalking endeavor thus far.

I didn’t find Johnny in Venice, but I did find myself in a La Perla store (fancy Italian lingerie), having become enamored with a bra in the window.  Damn, if it didn’t look and feel fabulous on.  It didn’t matter how much it cost, I had to have it.   And two pairs of matching panties.

I could get a shot of Botox for the price of this underwear, but unlike the Botox, at the rate my life is going, nobody will see the beautiful bra and panties.  Unless I schedule a doctor’s appointment.

Worse, I’ve been home for four days and I’m afraid to open the damn bag because I might sully the contents for the extremely special occasion I’m saving them for.   In other words, there’s a very real possibility that someone will find my unopened bag of ridiculously pricey lingerie among my remains many, many, many years from now.

Johnny, this is where you come in.   I would definitely consider you the sort of special occasion I would deem worthy of cracking the bag open and actually wearing the precious undergarments.

Since this extravagance is really all your fault, I feel it’s your personal responsibility to come see my new lingerie. In fact, I beg of you.  Not only would it be a crime if so much beauty, craftsmanship and expense remain untouched in a paper bag indefinitely, I’d really like to see it again myself.


Crucial advice for anyone planning a trip to the South of France to find Johnny now that he’s single.

Posted in Cote d'azur, humor, Johnny Depp, Plan de la Tour, South of France, stalking johnny depp, travel, Uncategorized with tags , , , on June 26, 2012 by Lesley Stern

Now that the official announcement that Johnny and Vanessa have split has come out, I’ve noticed that suddenly lots of people are finding this blog by googling “Johnny Depp and Plan de la Tour.”

This leads me to believe  that a growing number of delusional women (and men, I’m sure) are interested in visiting the South of France in search of Johnny now that he’s supposedly available.

Since I’ve been here for over a year (and I’ve been delusional for even longer), I think I’m uniquely qualified to provide some vital guidance on the subject:

BACK OFF!   I was here first.

Wanted: a one bedroom apartment in hell

Posted in humor, Johnny Depp, Plan de la Tour, stalking johnny depp, travel with tags , , , , , , on December 8, 2011 by Lesley Stern

According to my news sources, the Christian right has condemned Johnny to burn in hell.    Apparently, they’re up in arms because he played guitar (and sang, according to some) on a new release  from the British band Babybird.  The song is called “Jesus Stag Nightclub.”  It’s about a drunk guy in a bar who turns out to be Jesus (if I were Jesus, I’d be getting drunk too.   I bet he gets really depressed around the holidays).  You can hear the offending song below.

First of all, I like the song, and I’d like to thank the Christian right for calling my attention to it.  I’ve already downloaded it.

More importantly, if the Christian right is correct about the Johnny burning in hell thing, I’ll have to find a place to rent down there so I won’t have to commute too far to stalk him.  Just a small pied de terre, nothing fancy.  I’d still like to reside in France part time in case he comes back for a visit, so I really can’t afford more than 2000 yuan a month (I’m assuming they’re on Chinese currency in hell).   If you hear of anything, please let me know.

Some people may think I’m nuts to follow him, first to the South of France and now to hell, but I beg to differ.   Now, if I were following him to LA, that would be a different story.

No bum left unturned

Posted in Cote d'azur, humor, Johnny Depp, South of France, stalking johnny depp, travel with tags , , , on August 13, 2011 by Lesley Stern

I’m in Eze.   I’ve already done my due diligence and checked every inch of the town.   I’ve also scoured the entire Cote d’Azur for Johnny from the heights of the old village.   I’m now back at sea-level, checking the beach.

I’m immediately presented with a problem.   There’s a guy passed out here who could well be Johnny, but it’s hard to tell because he’s facing the wall and his head is covered with a hat (which could be a telltale sign that it is Johnny).   I try to figure it out without disturbing him.   I check for fancy designer labels that might be exposed on his clothes or umbrella.   Nothing.

I wrack my brain trying to remember what and where Johnny’s tattoos are  (note to self: Google Johnny’s tattoos and catalog them for future reference).   I even take out my little Filofax ruler and try to gauge the unconscious man’s height.   I really can’t be certain.

Perhaps I should rouse him to make sure he’s okay.   If he’s Johnny, he’ll be grateful and forever in my debt.   But if he’s an ailing homeless guy, I may actually have to help him.  Hell, I can barely help myself.    And if he’s a French ailing homeless guy, I’ll have to help him in French.   Oh, lord what a dilemma.

After staring at him for about 15 minutes, hoping the power of my gaze will awaken him, I finally come up with a plan. Normally, I’d just stand close to him and yell “FEU”, but I don’t want to alarm the other people on the beach or call attention to myself.

I nonchalantly pick up some stones from the beach and surreptitiously toss them gently at the sleeping man.   After three throws, he shudders awake and turns towards me, trying to focus.    It’s clearly not Johnny and he looks a little pissed.   I do the only logical thing and run like crazy.

The beauty of ancient hilltop villages

Posted in Cote d'azur, humor, Johnny Depp, Plan de la Tour, South of France, stalking johnny depp, travel, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on August 3, 2011 by Lesley Stern

I just love these medieval villages perched way up above the Cote d’Azur.   The stalking coverage they provide is phenomenal.   Especially on a clear day.

I can climb to the very top of these hills where crumbling ancient fortresses once served as look-outs for invaders.   Here I can stalk Johnny for miles on end.

In my opionion, the best hilltop villages for stalking Johnny Depp so far are:

EzeIt’s a bit of a hike, and can get crowded with other stalkers, but there are nice chairs for comfortable stalking a vantage point that can’t be beat and even some telescopes.  What more can you ask?

St. Paul de VenceYou can enjoy a lovely lunch at Le Tilleul with expansive views that allow you to stalk Johnny while dining (talk about multi-tasking).   After lunch you might want to stalk him in the artsy shops.

Biot is a charming place to stalk Johnny.    You might want to try looking for him in the artisan glass shops in the village as well.

Haut de CagnesYou can see from the Maures Mountains (where Plan de la Tour and Johnny’s home is) to the Alps and up the coast from the top of Grimaldi Castle.   That covers a lot of ground.  Telescopes are provided.


Grasse isn’t exactly a hilltop village, it’s more like a small town perched high on a mountain, but you’ve got to love a place that not only provides telescopes it also has beautiful map so you can chart the coordinates should you find Johnny while scanning the countryside.

Watching a master stalker in action

Posted in humor, Johnny Depp, paris, stalking johnny depp, travel with tags , , , , , , , , on July 22, 2011 by Lesley Stern

I’m sitting at Les Deux Magots on Blvd St. Germain, enjoying a $30.00 glass of orange juice, coffee and croissant.   This seems like the ideal location to stalk Johnny since it’s reknowned for being a hang out for artists and great thinkers … 100 years ago. Today, it has a decent bathroom.

Once I determine that Johnny isn’t present, I focus my attention to the man at the next table.  Perhaps I should stalk him.  Hell, if he can afford eat here, he may be a worthy target…at least until Johnny shows up.  But I quickly realize there’s already a stalking going on.

If you look closely at the top of the chair behind the orange juice you’ll see the finest stalker I’ve ever had the privilege to observe in action.  He/she sits calmly on the chair like an invited guest waiting for his/her moment.   In the flicker of an eye, he/she swoops in and takes the petite pain au chocolate he/she has been eying (estimated cost, $7.00).

It’s hers now.   All hers!   And no one can take it away!  She and the pain au chocolat will fall madly passionately in love and she’ll never have to worry about stealing another pastry again.   As you can well imagine, it’s the most delicious, fulfilling, talented, handsome, sexy, pain au chocolate on the face of this earth.

That bird is sooooo lucky!

Update from Cannes

Posted in Cote d'azur, humor, Johnny Depp, South of France, stalking johnny depp, travel, Uncategorized with tags , , , on May 18, 2011 by Lesley Stern

Okay, I’m in Cannes.   I’m standing outside the famous Carlton Hotel.

It’s beeeeeeeeyoooootiful.

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