Archive for the South of France Category

Good news for Ewan McGregor, Hugh Laurie and Colin Firth!

Posted in Cote d'azur, Johnny Depp, South of France, stalking johnny depp, Uncategorized with tags , , , on July 1, 2013 by Lesley Stern


Nobody can say I’m a quitter.  For over two years I’ve faithfully stalked Johnny.   Yet he’s evaded me.  He’s ignored me.  He’s mocked me with his eyes.  He cheated on me  Vanessa with some bimbo (ie: someone who isn’t me).  And if my heart wasn’t shattered enough, there was the spray tan incident.

But nobody can say I’m a doormat either.   Which is why I’ve made a major decision.  From now on,  I will be stalking other people. I prefer to think of it as not so much giving up on Johnny as broadening my horizons.

I’m currently taking applications for new stalkees.   There are only a few requirements.   You should be age appropriate.  I prefer you to be over 40, but am willing to make an exception should the right 18 year old come along.   Since I plan to stay in the South of France, you should plan to spend some time in the region (and please let me know when you’ll be here, where you’ll be staying and your contact information–it makes stalking so much easier).

A note to Ewan, Hugh and Colin:   since you’ve already made my short list, you need not apply.   However, please send me your contact information.  I’d like to start work immediately.


Johnny, your clothes are making me uncomfortable. Please take them off.

Posted in humor, Johnny Depp, South of France, stalking johnny depp with tags , , on September 10, 2012 by Lesley Stern

This is a picture of Johnny at the Toronto Film Festival.   It looks like he’s wearing more than one shirt under a vest, under several scarves, under a jacket.   Frankly, the look just isn’t working for me.

What if one day, after a long day of stalking, I find him in a charming dead end alley in the old town of San Tropez?   Our eyes lock and he knows that he must have me now, quickly, before the prying eyes of the paparazzi catch us.

He kisses me deeply and rips my bodice off.   I want to feel his heaving chest against mine and start unbuttoning.   And unbuttoning.   And unbuttoning.   Damn, some of the button holes on this particular shirt seem smaller than the buttons!   And unbuttoning.  Crap, my hands are getting tangled in these scarves! And unbuttoning.   Just as I feel the hard outline of his massive belt buckle, flashbulbs start popping and the moment is lost.

So Johnny, darling, please rethink your wardrobe.   I’m not being shallow, just practical.  And if you insist on the layered look, I’m thinking zippers might be nice.

Crucial advice for anyone planning a trip to the South of France to find Johnny now that he’s single.

Posted in Cote d'azur, humor, Johnny Depp, Plan de la Tour, South of France, stalking johnny depp, travel, Uncategorized with tags , , , on June 26, 2012 by Lesley Stern

Now that the official announcement that Johnny and Vanessa have split has come out, I’ve noticed that suddenly lots of people are finding this blog by googling “Johnny Depp and Plan de la Tour.”

This leads me to believe  that a growing number of delusional women (and men, I’m sure) are interested in visiting the South of France in search of Johnny now that he’s supposedly available.

Since I’ve been here for over a year (and I’ve been delusional for even longer), I think I’m uniquely qualified to provide some vital guidance on the subject:

BACK OFF!   I was here first.

It takes a village

Posted in Cote d'azur, humor, Johnny Depp, Provence, South of France, stalking johnny depp, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on June 7, 2012 by Lesley Stern

As I was stalking Johnny at the daily market this morning, it occurred to me that perhaps I would increase my chances of finding Johnny if I were to enlist the help of others. Recruiting citizen stalkers to keep an eye out for me, so to speak.  So I put my marketing expertise to work and created the flyer you see above.

In English, it reads:  “Lost!!!  If you see him, he belongs to me.   Please call 0616881424 immediately.”

Then I distributed it around town

I think I’ve got Antibes pretty well covered.    Tomorrow, I’ll start in other villages.

Johnny, I’m rolling out the red carpet for you

Posted in Cote d'azur, humor, Johnny Depp, Plan de la Tour, South of France, stalking johnny depp, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on May 23, 2012 by Lesley Stern

In case I haven’t mentioned it before, I now live in Antibes which is a mere 15 minutes from Cannes (as opposed to almost an hour from Cannes to Plan de la Tour, where Johnny lives).

So with the film festival going on right now, I got to thinking, what if Johnny is in Cannes one night and has a little too much to drink?   And what if he can’t find a driver, and there are no rooms at the Carleton or Hotel du Cap available?   The last thing I want to see is Johnny driving drunk or sleeping on the Croisette.

Your room (I’ll make up the bed for you)

So Johnny,  you’re always welcome to stay here with me.   I’m sure it’s not as nice as Mary Kate (or Ashley)’s apartment, but it’s not bad and I’ve yet to see any paparazzi lurking outside my door.   There’s even a spare bedroom for you,  should you choose to use it.

I’m very conveniently located — you can just hop a train to get here.  No dangerous driving or hitching a ride with strangers who may not be madly in love with you.

I’m on the 3eme etage at 8 Rue Vauban.   You can just show up or give me a call and let me know you’re coming (0616881424).

There is just one caveat:   if you’re allergic to cats, you’ll have to give me a little notice so I can find new homes for them.


We’ve been on a break

Posted in Cote d'azur, humor, Johnny Depp, johnny depp's tattoos, South of France, stalking johnny depp with tags , , , , , , , on May 13, 2012 by Lesley Stern

I can talk about it now.   But for awhile there, it was just too emotional.   A few subtle signs lead me to believe it was over between us.

The minute I moved to the South of France, he pretty much left.   He even made a public statement that he was going to spend less time in France due to tax reasons.   Who can blame me for taking it personally?

Then he rubbed salt in the wound and started hanging out in all the places I might easily be if I wasn’t in France (like Berkeley, for godsakes).   Not only did it seem he was making a conscious effort to be where I’m not, he was rubbing it in my face.

Then there were the rumors that he was cheating on me  Vanessa with a younger woman.

The stories that he was involved with Eva Green/his publicist/Amber Heard/some 19 year old didn’t faze me.   I just attributed them to a desperate press.   But the story and pics of Johnny skulking out of Mary Kate (or was it Ashley?) Olsen’s apartment one morning was like a knife to the heart.     I prayed it was just a drug thing.

Now that time has passed and the wounds are healing, the old feelings are coming back.   The fond memories of stalking him in quaint cafes, hillside villages and beachy resorts make me realize that like Ross and Rachel, maybe it’s not over between us.   Maybe it’s time to resume our relationship.   After all,  Cannes is one week away and he’s got a movie to promote.

I guess this means I should start shaving my legs again.

A hurried review of Johnny’s interview with Larry King from his most discerning stalker

Posted in humor, Johnny Depp, South of France, stalking johnny depp with tags , , , , , on October 23, 2011 by Lesley Stern

I’ve been disgustingly busy with work.   On top of that, my parents are visiting and right now I’m with them in Spain, diligently stalking Johnny despite the fact that I know for a fact he’s not even on this continent (how’s that for dedication?).  I’m exhausted, but feel I must comment on the Larry King interview with Johnny on CNN.

Damn!   Any doubts I may have had about my choice of stalkee have been dispelled.   And that’s even after learning the disappointing news that he spends half his time in the South of France and the other half in LA…more in LA now because of his kids’ school schedules.

I suppose I could stalk someone else while Johnny’s in California, but after seeing that interview, anyone else would just be chopped liver.  I’m pretty sure we’re soul mates —  I used to race home from school to watch Dark Shadows too!

And how cool would it be to have Johnny do for me what he did for Hunter S. Thompson and shoot my ashes out of a cannon when I’m dead?   Now that I think about it, I should really come up with something different than Hunter’s send off.    I’ve heard of a company that cremates you and turns your ashes into a diamond.   I could have him do that and he could wear me around his neck.  That might be pretty cool.    I’m really going to have to give this a lot more thought.

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