Good news for Ewan McGregor, Hugh Laurie and Colin Firth!
Nobody can say I’m a quitter. For over two years I’ve faithfully stalked Johnny. Yet he’s evaded me. He’s ignored me. He’s mocked me with his eyes. He cheated on
me Vanessa with some bimbo (ie: someone who isn’t me). And if my heart wasn’t shattered enough, there was the spray tan incident.
But nobody can say I’m a doormat either. Which is why I’ve made a major decision. From now on, I will be stalking other people. I prefer to think of it as not so much giving up on Johnny as broadening my horizons.
I’m currently taking applications for new stalkees. There are only a few requirements. You should be age appropriate. I prefer you to be over 40, but am willing to make an exception should the right 18 year old come along. Since I plan to stay in the South of France, you should plan to spend some time in the region (and please let me know when you’ll be here, where you’ll be staying and your contact information–it makes stalking so much easier).
A note to Ewan, Hugh and Colin: since you’ve already made my short list, you need not apply. However, please send me your contact information. I’d like to start work immediately.