Archive for the Cote d’azur Category

Good news for Ewan McGregor, Hugh Laurie and Colin Firth!

Posted in Cote d'azur, Johnny Depp, South of France, stalking johnny depp, Uncategorized with tags , , , on July 1, 2013 by Lesley Stern

Ewan-McGregorColin-firthspotlight-v4-hugh-laurie

Nobody can say I’m a quitter.  For over two years I’ve faithfully stalked Johnny.   Yet he’s evaded me.  He’s ignored me.  He’s mocked me with his eyes.  He cheated on me  Vanessa with some bimbo (ie: someone who isn’t me).  And if my heart wasn’t shattered enough, there was the spray tan incident.

But nobody can say I’m a doormat either.   Which is why I’ve made a major decision.  From now on,  I will be stalking other people. I prefer to think of it as not so much giving up on Johnny as broadening my horizons.

I’m currently taking applications for new stalkees.   There are only a few requirements.   You should be age appropriate.  I prefer you to be over 40, but am willing to make an exception should the right 18 year old come along.   Since I plan to stay in the South of France, you should plan to spend some time in the region (and please let me know when you’ll be here, where you’ll be staying and your contact information–it makes stalking so much easier).

A note to Ewan, Hugh and Colin:   since you’ve already made my short list, you need not apply.   However, please send me your contact information.  I’d like to start work immediately.

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Crucial advice for anyone planning a trip to the South of France to find Johnny now that he’s single.

Posted in Cote d'azur, humor, Johnny Depp, Plan de la Tour, South of France, stalking johnny depp, travel, Uncategorized with tags , , , on June 26, 2012 by Lesley Stern

Now that the official announcement that Johnny and Vanessa have split has come out, I’ve noticed that suddenly lots of people are finding this blog by googling “Johnny Depp and Plan de la Tour.”

This leads me to believe  that a growing number of delusional women (and men, I’m sure) are interested in visiting the South of France in search of Johnny now that he’s supposedly available.

Since I’ve been here for over a year (and I’ve been delusional for even longer), I think I’m uniquely qualified to provide some vital guidance on the subject:

BACK OFF!   I was here first.

I can’t help thinking this is all my fault

Posted in Cote d'azur, humor, Johnny Depp, stalking johnny depp with tags , , , , , , on June 20, 2012 by Lesley Stern

This morning I awoke to pages and pages on my Google alert — headlines from around the world informing me that Johnny and Vanessa have in fact split.   This time, I believe it as the source seems to be Johnny’s own representatives, not radar online.   And hey, if it’s in the LA Times, it must be true, right?

I feel bad.   The troubles in Johnny and Vanessa’s relationship started right around the time I started stalking him.    You do the math.

But it just shows what a fine man Johnny is.   So many men only have the balls to leave when they’re already in the next relationship. At least Johnny had the decency to end it with Vanessa  before even meeting me.

It takes a village

Posted in Cote d'azur, humor, Johnny Depp, Provence, South of France, stalking johnny depp, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on June 7, 2012 by Lesley Stern

As I was stalking Johnny at the daily market this morning, it occurred to me that perhaps I would increase my chances of finding Johnny if I were to enlist the help of others. Recruiting citizen stalkers to keep an eye out for me, so to speak.  So I put my marketing expertise to work and created the flyer you see above.

In English, it reads:  “Lost!!!  If you see him, he belongs to me.   Please call 0616881424 immediately.”

Then I distributed it around town

I think I’ve got Antibes pretty well covered.    Tomorrow, I’ll start in other villages.

Johnny, I’m rolling out the red carpet for you

Posted in Cote d'azur, humor, Johnny Depp, Plan de la Tour, South of France, stalking johnny depp, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on May 23, 2012 by Lesley Stern

In case I haven’t mentioned it before, I now live in Antibes which is a mere 15 minutes from Cannes (as opposed to almost an hour from Cannes to Plan de la Tour, where Johnny lives).

So with the film festival going on right now, I got to thinking, what if Johnny is in Cannes one night and has a little too much to drink?   And what if he can’t find a driver, and there are no rooms at the Carleton or Hotel du Cap available?   The last thing I want to see is Johnny driving drunk or sleeping on the Croisette.

Your room (I’ll make up the bed for you)

So Johnny,  you’re always welcome to stay here with me.   I’m sure it’s not as nice as Mary Kate (or Ashley)’s apartment, but it’s not bad and I’ve yet to see any paparazzi lurking outside my door.   There’s even a spare bedroom for you,  should you choose to use it.

I’m very conveniently located — you can just hop a train to get here.  No dangerous driving or hitching a ride with strangers who may not be madly in love with you.

I’m on the 3eme etage at 8 Rue Vauban.   You can just show up or give me a call and let me know you’re coming (0616881424).

There is just one caveat:   if you’re allergic to cats, you’ll have to give me a little notice so I can find new homes for them.

 

We’ve been on a break

Posted in Cote d'azur, humor, Johnny Depp, johnny depp's tattoos, South of France, stalking johnny depp with tags , , , , , , , on May 13, 2012 by Lesley Stern

I can talk about it now.   But for awhile there, it was just too emotional.   A few subtle signs lead me to believe it was over between us.

The minute I moved to the South of France, he pretty much left.   He even made a public statement that he was going to spend less time in France due to tax reasons.   Who can blame me for taking it personally?

Then he rubbed salt in the wound and started hanging out in all the places I might easily be if I wasn’t in France (like Berkeley, for godsakes).   Not only did it seem he was making a conscious effort to be where I’m not, he was rubbing it in my face.

Then there were the rumors that he was cheating on me  Vanessa with a younger woman.

The stories that he was involved with Eva Green/his publicist/Amber Heard/some 19 year old didn’t faze me.   I just attributed them to a desperate press.   But the story and pics of Johnny skulking out of Mary Kate (or was it Ashley?) Olsen’s apartment one morning was like a knife to the heart.     I prayed it was just a drug thing.

Now that time has passed and the wounds are healing, the old feelings are coming back.   The fond memories of stalking him in quaint cafes, hillside villages and beachy resorts make me realize that like Ross and Rachel, maybe it’s not over between us.   Maybe it’s time to resume our relationship.   After all,  Cannes is one week away and he’s got a movie to promote.

I guess this means I should start shaving my legs again.

No bum left unturned

Posted in Cote d'azur, humor, Johnny Depp, South of France, stalking johnny depp, travel with tags , , , on August 13, 2011 by Lesley Stern

I’m in Eze.   I’ve already done my due diligence and checked every inch of the town.   I’ve also scoured the entire Cote d’Azur for Johnny from the heights of the old village.   I’m now back at sea-level, checking the beach.

I’m immediately presented with a problem.   There’s a guy passed out here who could well be Johnny, but it’s hard to tell because he’s facing the wall and his head is covered with a hat (which could be a telltale sign that it is Johnny).   I try to figure it out without disturbing him.   I check for fancy designer labels that might be exposed on his clothes or umbrella.   Nothing.

I wrack my brain trying to remember what and where Johnny’s tattoos are  (note to self: Google Johnny’s tattoos and catalog them for future reference).   I even take out my little Filofax ruler and try to gauge the unconscious man’s height.   I really can’t be certain.

Perhaps I should rouse him to make sure he’s okay.   If he’s Johnny, he’ll be grateful and forever in my debt.   But if he’s an ailing homeless guy, I may actually have to help him.  Hell, I can barely help myself.    And if he’s a French ailing homeless guy, I’ll have to help him in French.   Oh, lord what a dilemma.

After staring at him for about 15 minutes, hoping the power of my gaze will awaken him, I finally come up with a plan. Normally, I’d just stand close to him and yell “FEU”, but I don’t want to alarm the other people on the beach or call attention to myself.

I nonchalantly pick up some stones from the beach and surreptitiously toss them gently at the sleeping man.   After three throws, he shudders awake and turns towards me, trying to focus.    It’s clearly not Johnny and he looks a little pissed.   I do the only logical thing and run like crazy.

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