I can’t help thinking this is all my fault

Posted in Cote d'azur, humor, Johnny Depp, stalking johnny depp with tags , , , , , , on June 20, 2012 by Lesley Stern

This morning I awoke to pages and pages on my Google alert — headlines from around the world informing me that Johnny and Vanessa have in fact split.   This time, I believe it as the source seems to be Johnny’s own representatives, not radar online.   And hey, if it’s in the LA Times, it must be true, right?

I feel bad.   The troubles in Johnny and Vanessa’s relationship started right around the time I started stalking him.    You do the math.

But it just shows what a fine man Johnny is.   So many men only have the balls to leave when they’re already in the next relationship. At least Johnny had the decency to end it with Vanessa  before even meeting me.

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It takes a village

Posted in Cote d'azur, humor, Johnny Depp, Provence, South of France, stalking johnny depp, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on June 7, 2012 by Lesley Stern

As I was stalking Johnny at the daily market this morning, it occurred to me that perhaps I would increase my chances of finding Johnny if I were to enlist the help of others. Recruiting citizen stalkers to keep an eye out for me, so to speak.  So I put my marketing expertise to work and created the flyer you see above.

In English, it reads:  “Lost!!!  If you see him, he belongs to me.   Please call 0616881424 immediately.”

Then I distributed it around town

I think I’ve got Antibes pretty well covered.    Tomorrow, I’ll start in other villages.

Foiled again

Posted in humor, Johnny Depp, johnny depp's tattoos, stalking johnny depp with tags , , on May 27, 2012 by Lesley Stern

I followed this guy around Nice for three hours until he finally took off his jacket, which should have immediately tipped me off that it wasn’t Johnny.   It took me another hour of intense stalking before it finally hit me that no way is this Johnny Depp.   No tattoos.   Duh.

Johnny, I’m rolling out the red carpet for you

Posted in Cote d'azur, humor, Johnny Depp, Plan de la Tour, South of France, stalking johnny depp, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on May 23, 2012 by Lesley Stern

In case I haven’t mentioned it before, I now live in Antibes which is a mere 15 minutes from Cannes (as opposed to almost an hour from Cannes to Plan de la Tour, where Johnny lives).

So with the film festival going on right now, I got to thinking, what if Johnny is in Cannes one night and has a little too much to drink?   And what if he can’t find a driver, and there are no rooms at the Carleton or Hotel du Cap available?   The last thing I want to see is Johnny driving drunk or sleeping on the Croisette.

Your room (I’ll make up the bed for you)

So Johnny,  you’re always welcome to stay here with me.   I’m sure it’s not as nice as Mary Kate (or Ashley)’s apartment, but it’s not bad and I’ve yet to see any paparazzi lurking outside my door.   There’s even a spare bedroom for you,  should you choose to use it.

I’m very conveniently located — you can just hop a train to get here.  No dangerous driving or hitching a ride with strangers who may not be madly in love with you.

I’m on the 3eme etage at 8 Rue Vauban.   You can just show up or give me a call and let me know you’re coming (0616881424).

There is just one caveat:   if you’re allergic to cats, you’ll have to give me a little notice so I can find new homes for them.

 

We’ve been on a break

Posted in Cote d'azur, humor, Johnny Depp, johnny depp's tattoos, South of France, stalking johnny depp with tags , , , , , , , on May 13, 2012 by Lesley Stern

I can talk about it now.   But for awhile there, it was just too emotional.   A few subtle signs lead me to believe it was over between us.

The minute I moved to the South of France, he pretty much left.   He even made a public statement that he was going to spend less time in France due to tax reasons.   Who can blame me for taking it personally?

Then he rubbed salt in the wound and started hanging out in all the places I might easily be if I wasn’t in France (like Berkeley, for godsakes).   Not only did it seem he was making a conscious effort to be where I’m not, he was rubbing it in my face.

Then there were the rumors that he was cheating on me  Vanessa with a younger woman.

The stories that he was involved with Eva Green/his publicist/Amber Heard/some 19 year old didn’t faze me.   I just attributed them to a desperate press.   But the story and pics of Johnny skulking out of Mary Kate (or was it Ashley?) Olsen’s apartment one morning was like a knife to the heart.     I prayed it was just a drug thing.

Now that time has passed and the wounds are healing, the old feelings are coming back.   The fond memories of stalking him in quaint cafes, hillside villages and beachy resorts make me realize that like Ross and Rachel, maybe it’s not over between us.   Maybe it’s time to resume our relationship.   After all,  Cannes is one week away and he’s got a movie to promote.

I guess this means I should start shaving my legs again.

Wanted: a one bedroom apartment in hell

Posted in humor, Johnny Depp, Plan de la Tour, stalking johnny depp, travel with tags , , , , , , on December 8, 2011 by Lesley Stern

According to my news sources, the Christian right has condemned Johnny to burn in hell.    Apparently, they’re up in arms because he played guitar (and sang, according to some) on a new release  from the British band Babybird.  The song is called “Jesus Stag Nightclub.”  It’s about a drunk guy in a bar who turns out to be Jesus (if I were Jesus, I’d be getting drunk too.   I bet he gets really depressed around the holidays).  You can hear the offending song below.

First of all, I like the song, and I’d like to thank the Christian right for calling my attention to it.  I’ve already downloaded it.

More importantly, if the Christian right is correct about the Johnny burning in hell thing, I’ll have to find a place to rent down there so I won’t have to commute too far to stalk him.  Just a small pied de terre, nothing fancy.  I’d still like to reside in France part time in case he comes back for a visit, so I really can’t afford more than 2000 yuan a month (I’m assuming they’re on Chinese currency in hell).   If you hear of anything, please let me know.

Some people may think I’m nuts to follow him, first to the South of France and now to hell, but I beg to differ.   Now, if I were following him to LA, that would be a different story.

A hurried review of Johnny’s interview with Larry King from his most discerning stalker

Posted in humor, Johnny Depp, South of France, stalking johnny depp with tags , , , , , on October 23, 2011 by Lesley Stern

I’ve been disgustingly busy with work.   On top of that, my parents are visiting and right now I’m with them in Spain, diligently stalking Johnny despite the fact that I know for a fact he’s not even on this continent (how’s that for dedication?).  I’m exhausted, but feel I must comment on the Larry King interview with Johnny on CNN.

Damn!   Any doubts I may have had about my choice of stalkee have been dispelled.   And that’s even after learning the disappointing news that he spends half his time in the South of France and the other half in LA…more in LA now because of his kids’ school schedules.

I suppose I could stalk someone else while Johnny’s in California, but after seeing that interview, anyone else would just be chopped liver.  I’m pretty sure we’re soul mates —  I used to race home from school to watch Dark Shadows too!

And how cool would it be to have Johnny do for me what he did for Hunter S. Thompson and shoot my ashes out of a cannon when I’m dead?   Now that I think about it, I should really come up with something different than Hunter’s send off.    I’ve heard of a company that cremates you and turns your ashes into a diamond.   I could have him do that and he could wear me around his neck.  That might be pretty cool.    I’m really going to have to give this a lot more thought.

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