Archive for the Plan de la Tour Category

Crucial advice for anyone planning a trip to the South of France to find Johnny now that he’s single.

Posted in Cote d'azur, humor, Johnny Depp, Plan de la Tour, South of France, stalking johnny depp, travel, Uncategorized with tags , , , on June 26, 2012 by Lesley Stern

Now that the official announcement that Johnny and Vanessa have split has come out, I’ve noticed that suddenly lots of people are finding this blog by googling “Johnny Depp and Plan de la Tour.”

This leads me to believe  that a growing number of delusional women (and men, I’m sure) are interested in visiting the South of France in search of Johnny now that he’s supposedly available.

Since I’ve been here for over a year (and I’ve been delusional for even longer), I think I’m uniquely qualified to provide some vital guidance on the subject:

BACK OFF!   I was here first.

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Johnny, I’m rolling out the red carpet for you

Posted in Cote d'azur, humor, Johnny Depp, Plan de la Tour, South of France, stalking johnny depp, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on May 23, 2012 by Lesley Stern

In case I haven’t mentioned it before, I now live in Antibes which is a mere 15 minutes from Cannes (as opposed to almost an hour from Cannes to Plan de la Tour, where Johnny lives).

So with the film festival going on right now, I got to thinking, what if Johnny is in Cannes one night and has a little too much to drink?   And what if he can’t find a driver, and there are no rooms at the Carleton or Hotel du Cap available?   The last thing I want to see is Johnny driving drunk or sleeping on the Croisette.

Your room (I’ll make up the bed for you)

So Johnny,  you’re always welcome to stay here with me.   I’m sure it’s not as nice as Mary Kate (or Ashley)’s apartment, but it’s not bad and I’ve yet to see any paparazzi lurking outside my door.   There’s even a spare bedroom for you,  should you choose to use it.

I’m very conveniently located — you can just hop a train to get here.  No dangerous driving or hitching a ride with strangers who may not be madly in love with you.

I’m on the 3eme etage at 8 Rue Vauban.   You can just show up or give me a call and let me know you’re coming (0616881424).

There is just one caveat:   if you’re allergic to cats, you’ll have to give me a little notice so I can find new homes for them.

 

Wanted: a one bedroom apartment in hell

Posted in humor, Johnny Depp, Plan de la Tour, stalking johnny depp, travel with tags , , , , , , on December 8, 2011 by Lesley Stern

According to my news sources, the Christian right has condemned Johnny to burn in hell.    Apparently, they’re up in arms because he played guitar (and sang, according to some) on a new release  from the British band Babybird.  The song is called “Jesus Stag Nightclub.”  It’s about a drunk guy in a bar who turns out to be Jesus (if I were Jesus, I’d be getting drunk too.   I bet he gets really depressed around the holidays).  You can hear the offending song below.

First of all, I like the song, and I’d like to thank the Christian right for calling my attention to it.  I’ve already downloaded it.

More importantly, if the Christian right is correct about the Johnny burning in hell thing, I’ll have to find a place to rent down there so I won’t have to commute too far to stalk him.  Just a small pied de terre, nothing fancy.  I’d still like to reside in France part time in case he comes back for a visit, so I really can’t afford more than 2000 yuan a month (I’m assuming they’re on Chinese currency in hell).   If you hear of anything, please let me know.

Some people may think I’m nuts to follow him, first to the South of France and now to hell, but I beg to differ.   Now, if I were following him to LA, that would be a different story.

The beauty of ancient hilltop villages

Posted in Cote d'azur, humor, Johnny Depp, Plan de la Tour, South of France, stalking johnny depp, travel, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on August 3, 2011 by Lesley Stern

I just love these medieval villages perched way up above the Cote d’Azur.   The stalking coverage they provide is phenomenal.   Especially on a clear day.

I can climb to the very top of these hills where crumbling ancient fortresses once served as look-outs for invaders.   Here I can stalk Johnny for miles on end.

In my opionion, the best hilltop villages for stalking Johnny Depp so far are:

EzeIt’s a bit of a hike, and can get crowded with other stalkers, but there are nice chairs for comfortable stalking a vantage point that can’t be beat and even some telescopes.  What more can you ask?

St. Paul de VenceYou can enjoy a lovely lunch at Le Tilleul with expansive views that allow you to stalk Johnny while dining (talk about multi-tasking).   After lunch you might want to stalk him in the artsy shops.

Biot
Biot is a charming place to stalk Johnny.    You might want to try looking for him in the artisan glass shops in the village as well.

Haut de CagnesYou can see from the Maures Mountains (where Plan de la Tour and Johnny’s home is) to the Alps and up the coast from the top of Grimaldi Castle.   That covers a lot of ground.  Telescopes are provided.

Grasse

Grasse isn’t exactly a hilltop village, it’s more like a small town perched high on a mountain, but you’ve got to love a place that not only provides telescopes it also has beautiful map so you can chart the coordinates should you find Johnny while scanning the countryside.

I made it to Plan de la Tour! Can somebody airlift me out of here?

Posted in humor, Johnny Depp, Plan de la Tour, South of France, stalking johnny depp, travel, Uncategorized, Var, Vidauban with tags , , , , on April 10, 2011 by Lesley Stern

I rented a car for the week and decided to take a leisurely drive to Plan de la Tour and get a feel for the place in preparation for Johnny’s arrival, whenever that may be.   Unfortunately, when I went to pick up my reserved car with automatic transmission, I got “desole, nous n’avon pas les voitures automatique.”   I’m stuck with manual transmission, So “leisurely” is going to be out of the question.   But I’m going, dammit!

Perhaps it was stupid of me to think that getting to a small village in the Maures Massif (the small range of mountains where Plan de la Tour and Johnny reside)  wouldn’t involve driving up any hills.  I like to think of it as good old fashioned American optimism and can-do spirit.   The kind probably that inspired the Donner party to set off on their adventure.   They probably thought the squiggelly lines on their google map was just artistic license too.


I make it out of Vidauban without a problem and find the road sign pointing the route to Plan de la Tour.   It looks pretty flat from here and I think I can manage it, so I cavalierly shift into 4th gear and get going.   About a mile down the road I notice that this road only has one lane.   And it’s getting steeper.  A few moments later,  I’m shifting into second gear and wondering how the hell I got on this mountain.

The view is heartbreakingly beautiful– rolling vibrant green hills dotted with wildflowers, laced with babbling brooks.   Heartbreakingly because I can’t look at it or I’ll go off a cliff.  Plus, I have to watch out for oncoming cars that may barrel around these hairpin turns.  One blink of an eye, one spectacular sight and I could be toast.   I’m sure there’s some greek tragedy in this horrible dilemna.   I refuse to enjoy this view.   I value life far too much!

I  consider turning around and going back, but the road is too narrow to pull a u turn and I’m not comfortable enough with my reverse skills on a one lane road when I’m reversing towards oblivion,  so I venture onward at about 10 miles per hour (in addition to being passed by several cars and trucks, I’m also passed by some bicyclists and a family of wild boar).

I find myself sucking in my stomach while crossing tiny bridges and driving by oncoming cars.   I also find myself saying “oh god, oh god, oh god” a lot.

I’ve got to say, Johnny Depp is genius to find a village this hard to reach.   Most of his stalkers are probably American women like me who can’t drive a stick shift.   Right about now, I’m considering changing my stalking affiliation to Brad Pitt.   His village, Brignoles is just off a nice, straight, flat roadway with lanes!).   Ahhh, but I never want what’s easy.

After about an hour and a half in second gear while riding the clutch and holding my breath, I finally pass the Plan de la Tours sign.   I’m at the top of a really windy hill/mountain, and there are a few homes…some with vineyards attached, some with “private” signs.   I’m sure one of them is Johnny’s but there’s an oncoming truck, so I really don’t care.  oh god, oh god, oh god.

A few more hairpin turns later and I’m at the old village of Plan de la Tours.   At the first bit of land that looks park-able, I sputter in and shudder to a stop…just in the nick of time…there’s yet another one lane bridge over yet another goddamn babbling brook ahead.

As I cross the bridge by foot, and explore the picturesque streets and look for signs of Johnny (there are none, except maybe one guy who looks like he’s wearing eyeliner ala Captain Jack Sparrow) I realize I have a huge problem on my hands.   How the hell do I get out of here?   There’s no way I’m driving back on that road of death I came over on.   And some of the other options google maps offered seem even more frightening.  And just because a road sign points to “Vidauban” doesn’t mean it’s the easiest, straightest path.   Nope.   I’m stuck here.

I find a nice spacious place to squat at a cafe called “Le Plan” (or is it “la” plan?)  in the Place de Mairie (townhall square).   I figure if I eat really slow, sooner or later I’ll figure out what to do.   Or maybe Johnny will show up and save me from all this.

So here I am, having a salade  nicoise (I know, boring).   Eating the kernels of corn (the French like to put corn in every salad) one kernel at a time.   Mulling my options.

I wonder if they have a nice bed and breakfast around here.  Somewhere I can afford to stay for an extended period until I figure out how to get out.  Or at least get to Johnny’s house.  Maybe he’ll let me stay there while he’s away if I promise to water his plants.

In the meantime, if you want to get in touch with me or send a helicopter, I’ll be at or around the Hôtel de Ville, Place Foch 83120, Le Plan de la Tour, France.

See more pictures of Plan de la Tour.

The lesson of the tiny hummingbird

Posted in humor, Johnny Depp, Plan de la Tour, Provence, South of France, stalking johnny depp, travel, Uncategorized, Var, Vidauban with tags , , , , , on March 27, 2011 by Lesley Stern

According to Google alerts and my sister in law, Johnny is in California right now.   I’ve always been a go-getter, so I figure I’ll take a test run to Plan de la Tours by bus today.   Being familiar with the route should be helpful when he actually gets here.

I get to the bus stop at Place du Clemenceau and start thinking it’s really too nice of a day to be cooped up in a bus when there’s absolutely no chance of actually seeing Johnny Depp when I finally reach the destination.Come to think of it, there’s just as good a chance he’ll walk by one of the cafes here at Place du Clemenceau in Vidauban.  Why I don’t practice stalking him right here?

I stake out a spot in the square and keep my eyes pealed.

After three cappuccinos, some sort of flanny moussey tiramisuey thing with a dark chocolate shell that wasn’t my favorite even though it had so much potential,  I’m getting a little antsy.

But then something in a nearby planter catches my peripheral vision.   What looks like a large bee flitters in and out of the pansies.   I study it closely, trying to decide if I should flee.   As it flitters, the sun catches it and the tiny creature reflects different colors.   Then I see the beak and realize it’s a  hummingbird so tiny, a person could have swatted it thinking it was a fly!   I’m telling you, I’ve never seen anything like it!     I try to get a picture of it, but it’s too fast and too small and my hands are shaking from too much caffeine.

Granted, A tiny hummingbird sighting may be small consolation when the big prize is Johnny Depp and being invited to spend the summer in a wing of his villa.    I’m just trying to make the best of a difficult situation here.

the tiny hummingbird

When you think about it, today did provide a valuable lesson to this beginning stalker:   Don’t drink coffee on a stake out, because you’ll never get a good picture of your stalkee.  God, I’d be so bummed if that tiny hummingbird was Johnny Depp and this was the best picture I got of him.

You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to stalk Johnny Depp

Posted in Cote d'azur, humor, Johnny Depp, Plan de la Tour, Provence, South of France, stalking johnny depp, travel, Vidauban with tags , , , , , , , on March 22, 2011 by Lesley Stern

Today I went to the tourism office and asked the best way to get to Johnny Depp’s house (quelle est la meilleure manière d’arriver à Johnny Depp maison?).   I had to ask a few times because apparently, I was pronouncing “Johnny” wrong.

When she finally understood me, she gave me a stack of bus schedules.   I’m guessing Johnny has a car, because he happens to live in a village with incredibly limited public transport options.   There’s no train station and no direct bus  from Vidauban.  In fact, the only way I can get there is to take a bus or train to Les Arcs and then a bus to Plan de la Tour which only runs four, no wait, three times daily.

The first bus leaves at 6:45AM.   The second one leaves at 12:30PM.   The final one leaves at 18:25PM (which is a late start, even with daylight savings time starting soon).   Despite the fact that Plan de la Tour is only 8.7 miles away, the bus ride takes an hour (it makes several stops in Sainte Maxime, which I’m sure is lovely if I wasn’t in a hurry).  Worse, I have to coordinate the train/bus from Vidauban to Les Arcs which will increase my transit time.   It almost makes me wish I decided to stalk Brad Pitt, who is in Brignoles, which is far more accessible.   But the heart wants what the heart wants, and it isn’t Brad Pitt.

Obviously, in order to get a full day in, I should take the 6:45AM bus.   But that will require I get up at like 4:00AM to shower, shave my legs, put on make up and my fancy jeans, stock some provisions and get from Vidauban to Des Arcs.   Or maybe I get a pup tent and take the afternoon bus and sleep over by his driveway?   I’m going to have to give this some serious thought.

 

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