Johnny, you’ve ignored and eluded me for years. Yet I was willing to forgive that. I even hung in there when I heard you’re cheating on me with the 27 year old gorgeous bisexual actress chick. But when I saw this picture, my heart broke into a gazillion pieces.
I pictured us growing old together, not growing orange. Spray tan? Really? Pourquoi Johnny, pourquoi? You’re starting to look like a real housewife. Next thing you know, you’ll have trout pout (although I can’t help but fondly consider the implications of Johnny with more lip. Must. Stop.).
My mind is spinning…should I give up on him? Should I hang in there until this crisis passes? I’ve invested so much time and energy into this relationship, I’d hate to bail at the first sign of real trouble. On the other hand, we’re talking about my peace of mind here. I can’t spend the rest of my life worrying that my significant other is sneaking around behind my back getting a spray tan while I’m too busy dutifully stalking him to even put on some lipstick.
And frankly, that shade of orange looks terrible on me.