According to Google alerts, Johnny Depp and Amber Heard are “in love.” It was one thing when he was cheating on Vanessa, but now he’s cheating on me! There’s nothing more upsetting than the man you love being unfaithful before he’s even met you.
Understandably, I’m pissed. I’m considering talking to a lawyer. I figure after a year and a half of faithful stalking, I should be entitled to something.
I realize it would be irrational to expect a 4.4 million dollar Beverly Hills mansion like the one Vanessa Paradis got. Her 14 years with Johnny dwarfs my meager year and a half (on the other hand, she got to have sex with him so maybe I’m the one who deserves the mansion).
I want to be fair about this. Here’s what I’m thinking: maybe a really nice yurt?